Abusive Churches: So, what now?

Abusive Churches: So, what now?

By Pastor Jennifer A. Mears 10/22/2009

Scriptures taken from The Amplified Version - Zondervan (c)



The Painful Exit

Leaving an unhealthy or abusive church can leave very serious, life-changing, and painfully deep scars. It is a damaging, discouraging, and loss of trust issue that lingers for a very long time. The ones who suffer these situations experience an isolation, bitterness, embarrassment, grief, and anger. Then, of course, there is a bout with excessive confusion (which we know who the author of confusion is!). Everyone begins asking the question of “God? How could You let this happen”? We beat ourselves up with, “why did I get into this group and why did I stay as long as I did”?

When I left an abusive, unhealthy church leadership situation I expressed, "I am so confused over my emotions. Sometimes, I am glad to have left. I enjoy being free from the constant burdens I carried while I was involved with the church. Later, I would feel anxiety over how I could subject myself to those situations for so long and suffer that pain that affected me in so many areas of my life. I also feel pain over having the lost years and lost friendships and fellowship with the ones who were not involved and were innocent to the abuse or were knowingly or blindly being abused themselves. I grieved as I would have through the death of a loved one. Putting so much of myself into everything I did for God in a place that was not good ground after all. I know I was called by God to be there…I brought myself and all The Spiritual Gifts that God had entrusted me with, but I was abused and lied to, lied about, shoved aside, pushed away, and I took it and took it and took it until I couldn’t take anymore" It was a spiritual abuse. It was the type of abuse that hurts and tries to destroy the centerpiece of who you are and ends up leaving you so up in the air and cut off from the fellowship that aide in healing. Sure, The Love of God is The One who heals, but after so much damage and grief appears and lingers, the more difficult it is to connect with God to let that much needed healing begin.

The exit process can be difficult but it is possible. Be hopeful and keep in mind that the healing process is not the same for everyone. We all grieve and deal with things differently. Some people may take years and some may recover from the experience in just a few months. Surrounding yourself with mature Christians and The Word of God is essential and many may need to seek professional counseling. You have to be careful not to end up giving up on church and God all together! Believe me, I know that would be so easy when you are so beaten down and confused. Many may even question what is true to lean on and what to discard as false. This is when you MUST rely on God’s Word, not mans, to light and direct your path.

1 John 1:7 “But if we [really] are living and walking in the Light, as He [Himself] is in the Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses (removes) us from all sin and guilt [keeps us cleansed from sin in all its forms and manifestations].”

Let’s just face it, people can truly destroy a person through the venomous poisoned words of the enemy and many of those types of people are “church people”. Hey, the devil will use anyone who will let him to tear you down, rip you apart, and chew you up and spit you out! Be wise to this! Many of those who allow the devil to use them are sitting in the pews and preaching from the pulpit every Sunday. Such a sad truth but you better get a hold of that truth! Exercise that gift of discernment and listen for The Holy Spirit...that still small voice may be trying to tell you something but is being drowned out by the abusers or your own words being spoken through the hurt and the anger. It is so easy to think you are waiting on God to give A Word when actually, He has probably already given you sign after sign and word after word to do something! Keep your eyes and ears open! Suit up yourself in Christ, grab the weapon and ammunition - put on The Whole Armor of GOD! That is the only thing that will get you through all of this! Take a minute and read Ephesians 6 with me!

Ephesians 6 (Amplified Bible)

Ephesians 6
1CHILDREN, OBEY your parents in the Lord [as His representatives], for this is just and right.

2Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother--this is the first commandment with a promise--(A)

3That all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

4Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.

5Servants (slaves), be obedient to those who are your physical masters, having respect for them and eager concern to please them, in singleness of motive and with all your heart, as [service] to Christ [Himself]--

6Not in the way of eye-service [as if they were watching you] and only to please men, but as servants (slaves) of Christ, doing the will of God heartily and with your whole soul;

7Rendering service readily with goodwill, as to the Lord and not to men,

8Knowing that for whatever good anyone does, he will receive his reward from the Lord, whether he is slave or free.

9You masters, act on the same [principle] toward them and give up threatening and using violent and abusive words, knowing that He Who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no respect of persons (no partiality) with Him.

10In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides].

11Put on God's whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil.

12For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.

13Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place].

14Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God,

15And having shod your feet in preparation [to face the enemy with the [a]firm-footed stability, the promptness, and the readiness [b]produced by the good news] of the Gospel of peace.(B)

16Lift up over all the [covering] shield of [c]saving faith, upon which you can quench all the flaming missiles of the wicked [one].

17And take the helmet of salvation and the sword that the Spirit [d]wields, which is the Word of God.

18Pray at all times (on every occasion, in every season) in the Spirit, with all [manner of] prayer and entreaty. To that end keep alert and watch with strong purpose and perseverance, interceding in behalf of all the saints (God's consecrated people).

The fight is HIS! The vengeance is His! The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! We have to stand still and only then will we see God move and turn things around.

Ephesians 6:12 “For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.”


It disgusts me…and it angers GOD that people who claim to be Children of God, Shepherds of His Flock carry on such anti-Christ-like and anti-Biblical standards and practices. Many caught up into the acts of jealousy, envy, strife, backstabbing, lying, cheating, mockery and discouragement. One way to put it, just plain spiritual abuse is a deadly, scarring sin. We are to love people with The Love of Jesus! We are not to be about our own agenda! It is all about Jesus…

2 Corinthians 5:9 - 11 Therefore, whether we are at home [on earth away from Him] or away from home [and with Him], we are constantly ambitious and strive earnestly to be pleasing to Him.

For we must all appear and be revealed as we are before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive [his pay] according to what he has done in the body, whether good or evil [considering what his purpose and motive have been, and what he has achieved, been busy with, and given himself and his attention to accomplishing].

Therefore, being conscious of fearing the Lord with respect and reverence, we seek to win people over [to persuade them]. But what sort of persons we are is plainly recognized and thoroughly understood by God, and I hope that it is plainly recognized and thoroughly understood also by your consciences (your inborn discernment).



Stronger Because of the Experience

When leaving an abusive church and church leadership, you may leave scarred mentally and emotionally, and maybe even feel the physical effects of the whole ordeal. I promise that there is hope for you to recover, move on, and feel whole again. This actually can make us stronger in faith, understanding, and will create a closer walk with Jesus in fashioning your life closer to His. We learn how not to be. We learn to treat others as we would want to be treated. One way we can grow from this experience is to develop a deeper understanding of God's character. We can’t blame God! They were not reflecting Him, but so many times you will see people blame God for situations such as this. God needs to be viewed as The One who loves us. All the time and effort we put into the church and with the church leadership was because of what we are doing for God…don’t feel like you wasted your time and efforts…it was still for Him. It is just time to find better ground…good ground…and put your hands back to the plow and dig. Dig out all the hurt and anger. Dig deep into that bitterness and grief. Then, you will be enabling that good ground to become great ground because of all the chopping and tilling and plowing of those memories, emotions, and that past mindset as it becomes a rich, fertile substance that will enrich the new ground for growth and stability.

I know its hard. It took me over a year to being the healing process of Jesus through these circumstances. I turned away and locked myself down in fear of being hurt again. But, I count it all joy because as God has control, He has called me to a high calling of pastoring a new church fellowship of my own. God's love conquering all!

1 John 4:8 states that "God is love." God accepts us unconditionally. He only asks of us what He has gifted us with through His Grace and His Holy Spirit. He provided His Son Jesus Christ to be a human sacrifice for our sin and to live as a Holy example for us to go by. Who we are is in Christ, Jesus, not in the church building, groups, or relationships. Our status as Christians or ministers does not depend on what other people say and do but what GOD has to say! Our full purpose and destiny lie in The Lord! It is essential to realize that our worth and value will prevail because of Christ. He sheds light on the truth…perhaps not in our time, but it will come in God’s Perfect time. Sure, it is hard to be patient and diligent during the dark hours, but I assure you that those dark times will draw us closer to Jesus and will cause us to be Christ-dependent all the more.

God can bring good out of the situation if we will wait upon Him and trust in Him. Romans 8:28 says that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This even applies to those of us who have been abused spiritually. You see, it is through the pain and healing processes that God can tear us down to The Foundation (Jesus) that we stand on and rebuild us His way. He can mold us just like clay and help us become more and more like Him. Jeremiah 18:4 says, “ And the vessel that he was making from clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he made it over, reworking it into another vessel as it seemed good to the potter to make it.” Sometimes He just needs to get in there and totally reform us after we have been subjected to the effects of spiritual abuse. It causes deeply rooted issues that only He can remove and heal.

Remember all the terrible, evil things that Joseph's brothers did to him? Just think about what Joseph did in Genesis, Chapter 50. Joseph was able to say in the end, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." So, if we learn from the past, no matter what the situation may look like, and if we draw closer to God in our times of need, we can be healed and overcome our painful past, and be all the stronger and better person…AND Christian for it.


CAST ALL YOUR CARES!

What a comforting truth to know that God cares for us and that He will perfect the things that concern us. Pray about a Bible-based church! Always seek God and His Will for your life...even down to where you should worship and fellowship. Keep Him in control of every situation.


The difference between discouragement and encouragement IS DETERMINED BY WHOM you depend on God or man.
With The Love of Jesus!

In His Service,
Pastor Jennifer


JUST ANOTHER NOTE:
For 38 years this invalid had tried repeatedly to get into the healing waters, but with no one to help him it was hopeless. Of all those who had been healed at the pool not one remained to help him. Discouragement had taken over his life. His response to Jesus was not an immediate, "Yes, Lord," but a rambling of why he had not been healed.

If your faith is in others, discouragement from their failures to love and care for you will be inevitable. If your faith is in Jesus Christ, healing and wholeness are in Him for you. Jesus is an inexhaustible fountain of healing for whatever you need. Others may have left you behind, but Jesus seeks you out. Receive from Him the power to rise up and walk through the power of the Holy Spirit.

There was a certain man there who had suffered with a deep-seated and lingering disorder for thirty-eight years. When Jesus noticed him lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?] —John 5:5,6